Growing Old is Mandatory, but Growing Up is Optional.
It’s been 2 and a bit weeks since my last post and its been an interesting 2 and a bit weeks! I went back to Scotland for a bit, got my eyebrows micro bladed and turned 20! That’s right, I’m (finally) no longer a teenager – felt like I’d been 19 for about 100 years! I’m into my third decade of life and well on my way to being ‘thirty and flirty and thriving’ (bonus points if you get the reference) I’m not too sure why but I sort of felt like turning 20 was kindaaaa a big deal. My mum remarked on the morning of my birthday ‘I feel like you’ve crossed the boundary from being a girl to becoming a woman’.
Thinking about it, when do you actually grow up? I know I’m still young, like I’m only 20, but I feel like I’ve got quite a lot of life experience for being 20, in some ways anyhow. There is some people my age who have just left school, have never had a job and lived at home with their family all their life. Now I’m not saying there is anything wrong with that but I just feel like it must be quite difficult to transition into adulthood if you never actually change anything from being a child? I left school 3 years ago now, am on my 3rd official job, have lived in 4 different homes and 3 different cities. I work a full time job in London and I am pretty much completely independent. Independence, as well as ambition, is so vitally important to me. I’m really happy with all of the things I’ve accomplished in my life so far and I’d say that for the first time ever I feel pretty adult. Crazy, I know.
With all of this, I do get kinda stressed out. Like I pretty much have no idea what I want to do with my life. BUT, at the same time I feel like I have it too specifically planned out? I’m stressed at the probability of going back to uni next year which seems like a step back, I’m worried that I don’t know exactly what career I want to have, I’m anxious that I don’t know where I want to live and I’m even contemplating when I’m getting married and having children. Bear in mind I’m 100% single. Confusing, I know. What makes it worse is I want a career in the fashion industry which likely means living in London. But how is anyone my age ever meant to afford a property here? Ugh so many Ifs and Unknowns.
My parents always say to me ‘Why are you always looking to what’s next? Why can’t you just enjoy the moment you’re in?’ To an extent, I agree. Like why can’t I just enjoy my year out from uni, living with 2 of my best friends, working a job I really wanted? But at the same time, I want to know what I’m aiming for. I don’t want to wake up one day and think I still don’t know what I want to do or I don’t like what I’m doing. I know I do need to find a balance between these though. As cliche as they sound, I’m such a big believer in ‘what’s for you won’t go by you’ and ‘everything always works out’ etc etc. Ambition is good and it gets you places but I also don’t want to look back and think ‘why didn’t I make the most of that?’
So, I guess I’ve made it. I’m a woman now. Scary isn’t it… Oh well, it’ll be interesting to see what the next 5 years bring and if I figure everything out. I hope so…
I know this post has been a bit disjointed and rambley but that’s kind of how my mind works aha, hope you enjoy anyway!
ps My jacket is vintage from ASOS Marketplace!